KomathiKunalan(:

Saturday, May 30, 2009♥

I want to blog.
Now, now itself.
I want to let go of everything i have inside right now.
Right away, i need to let this go out of my heart or I'll break even more.
I don't want advices, i really don't want consoles either.
All i ever need now, is a space to LET GO.

Thrs' this family func coming real soon, June.
And, its something very occassional of course as its my very immediate cousin's func.
A special one too, something everyone else in the whole of my family is awaiting.
But i'm not, i seriously am not.
This whole thing is crappy to me.
I definitely know how much it would suck if they find out how down i am about this.
Its my cousin, my closest to my heart and i'm hers to her heart and i SHOULDN'T be saying this.
I have always been there for her as a big sister, always did everything for her and I'm definitely the first she would always confide in, we are that close.
I would be a sinner if i avoid this whole special occ but if i were to take it to myself, then i would def be breaking within badly.
I mean, i don't know how to put these in words but i def know, I'm down.
These are the times, when my Mum matters most in my life and she never stands.
These are the times, when i break into myself and never let go off all my life.
These are the times, when everyone becomes evil to my eyes and i isolate myself.
These are the times, NO ONE EVER KNEW.
How it hurts within even during a happy occ.
MY MUM IS SO EVIL.
MY FAMILY IS SO EVIL.
THE WORLD IS VERY EVIL.
EVIL I SAY, VERY EVIL.
Why would no one ever spare a thought for anyone?
Why would everyone ONLY think of their own well-beings?
Why would I have to go thru SO MUCH of mental tortures within and keep it all to myself?
I never felt comfy talking about my own life about my mum to anyone before.
I have always closed my inner life to everyone.
Not even my dad knows how i really feel.
Even when everyone talks about mummy, its what i say ' no its okay, i don't mind i mean she means nothing to me'
But i definitely know how much of a liar i can get those times.
I am, i lie, and i really do.
Its just that i never wanted to show how much it has really affected MY WHOLE LIFE ever since i was 4.
I always hated letting words out about that.
It sucks, it really does.
I WAS FUCKING FOUR only.
What i knew then?
When my mum last left, my dad told me i hugged his legs saying i was hungry.
Who knew how much it felt within then?
HOW IS THESE EVER EVEN GOING TO GET OUT OF MY LIFE.
ITS JUST MY LIFE, mine and i hv to live it.
I learnt how to accept every defeat, every lose, everything then.
But, theres' more it.
MORE TO IT.
Its not that you learn and thats it.
Thrs' always time when it comes, you hv to think over.
When all that ever happened, breaks ur freaking heart so bad that you even want to die then itself.
When you feel you are of no worth on Earth.
And to think, MY BROTHERS SUFFER THE SAME HELL in silence.
i definitely know they do.
None of us ever,ever in life let go of these.
I know, i totally know.
My heart is fcuking broken.
To have a mother, and live like thrs' no such existence.
To have a mother, and live a hell life.
To have a mother, and still die within.
To have a mother, WHO'S SO EVIL.
She loved us so much, is loving us very much and will always do.
But, what's thr in the love when its not even spreaded and the love just becomes as light as anything.
To me, it was nothing.
Everyone in my entire family said my mother was the best in everything.
But when it comes to this, she becomes no hero to me.

Truthfully, something i NEVER ever admitted,is that
I CRY WITHIN MYSELF WHEN I SEE MY COUSINS AND THEIR MOTHERS.
I CRY WITHIN MYSELF TO HAVE KNOWN HOW WELL THEY ARE TAKEN CARE OF.
I CRY WITHIN MYSELF BECAUSE I NEVER HAD THAT OPPORTUNITY.
I CRY WITHIN MYSELF SIMPLY BECAUSE I HAVE NO MOTHER.
they say, its the sweetest, largest love and mindfully, i never had that.
I never found or gained love from any guy in this entire 16yrs of my life.
Mum wasn't thr either.
No one was true, everyone has their masks on.

I get really surprised whenever i know my friend, or whoever is VERY BROKEN because they had a break-up or lost something, or fought with a loved one.
If they consider themselves broken when they still have their parents so still in life, then what am i?
I'm considered dead or corpse?
The world is funny,very funny.
Thr's alot more in life than regretting over every smallest thing.
I had my LARGEST,BIGGEST lose when i was just 4.
No any other loses are any bigger to me.

I'm afraid.
I don't want to be thr at the func AT ALL.
I know for sure, i would then owe many explanations to many of them.
&I also know i can't answer them.
I'm afraid, very afraid.
I have always thot as we grow, we wouldn't need mum anymore, but its so wrong.
The more i grow, the more i want her and the more i know my wantings are all just so shitty and AM I FCUKING SELFISH OR WHAT?!!

OM MY GODDDDD, I'M FCUKING SELFISH TO ASK FOR MY MOTHER.
WTF, HOW EVIL CAN THE WORLD GET?!

Gush, its just that no one knows the pain.
Every individuals suffer within themselves.
Wait, but even after all these, my heart's still so heavy.

(I don't want advices or consoles either)

Blogged @ 5:18 AM